


Her Lion (Early Skyhold)

by TheMightyZan



Series: Nell and Cullen [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-07 19:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4274988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMightyZan/pseuds/TheMightyZan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one shots (in no particular order) about Inquisitor Tirnel Lavellan and her Commander, Cullen Rutherford.</p>
<p>Prepare for awkwardness and sarcasm.</p>
<p>All of these stories are set in Skyhold, pre-romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time Together

"Would you care for a game?"

He waited as she turned from where she had been watching Dorian walk away, some joke about such things spoken laughingly between them, to bring her attention back to him. She glanced from him to the chess board, her mouth twisting with uncertainty.

"I don’t know how."

"I wouldn’t mind showing you."

She studied the pieces another moment before giving a single, determined nod and moving to the seat the Tevinter mage had just vacated. She curled into it, her feet tucking under her as she settled in. She tilted her head over the board, presenting him with the chaotic auburn of her hair, and reached up curious fingers to pick up various pieces and turn them in her grip. After a few moments she shot her violet gaze to him from under her lashes and grinned expectantly.

"So?"

He had to clear his throat. He was pretty sure he had been staring, somewhat fascinated by the way her hair rioted around her face, the different pieces seeming to pick random directions to grow.

Like it couldn’t be bothered to do what was expected of it. It suited her.

He cleared his throat again, realizing that he still hadn’t answered her. “Yes right.”

He set about righting his pieces, telling her their names as he did so so that she could do the same with hers. They started slowly, long drawn out pauses interrupting their game as she tried to remember what each thing did.

"Do you play often," she asked as she hovered her hand between two pieces.

"I use to play all the time against my sister when I was a child. She always got this smug look on her face when she won."

He saw her lips twitch at the statement and couldn’t help an answering grin. “Which was all the time of course. My brother and I practiced for weeks…” He trailed off in thought a moment before continuing, laughter lacing his voice. “The look on her face the day I beat her was priceless.”

She shared his smile and moved one of her knights, a random move that he was sure had more to do with not knowing what else to do and less to do with any actual plan. “Do you have just the two siblings?”

"No, I have another sister as well. All older. Between being a Templar and the Inquisition, however, I haven’t seen them in years. What of yourself?" He wasn’t sure why he asked, so he focused his attention on the board and his move instead of watching her face.

"I have a little brother. I haven’t seen him in years either."

"Why not?"

She seemed to think the question over, if the long pause was any indication, and he had began to wonder if he shouldn’t have asked when her voice broke through his thoughts. “I was sent to my clan to be trained as their First when I was 15. We don’t travel close enough to each other for visits, but I do try to write him when I can. Leliana’s messengers make it easier to find him.”

She moved another piece and looked up to him. “Is that right? Can I do that?”

He nodded in response. He wanted to ask more about her clan, about the Dalish, about her, but he recognized the change in subject and let the questions die on his tongue.

They lapsed into silence for awhile, the sounds of others moving around the garden drifting around them.

"You know, Cullen, we never spend time together, not outside of working, not like I do with the others. Why is that?"

He knew the reason, but it wasn’t something he wanted to tell her.

He didn’t trust himself around her. He was too distracted by her, too easily ruffled by her, usually amused, smile.

And he had the oddest fascination with wanting to touch her, not that he ever did. No, he never once grabbed her as she had him in those last moments at Haven. He never once followed through with his thoughts of sliding his hands around her waist and tugging her in so that he could set his teeth to her ear to see what sort of sounds it would cause her to make.

"Cullen?"

He blinked, desperately groping for his lost train of thought.

He should not be thinking such things anyway. It wasn’t appropriate.

It also wasn’t appropriate to remember that her lips had been soft and slightly chapped, and they had been attached to his for far to short a time.

"Sorry, I was thinking of my next move. I don’t know why that is, My Lady. It is nice to talk about something other than war for a while though."

"It is, and you can call me Nell you know. Everyone else does."

"Solas calls you Tirnel."

She shrugged in response to that, her lips quirking a bit. “Solas is a bit more formal about those kind of things. According to him, it’s a strong name and I should wear it proudly.”

When he raised a brow in question, her smile widened. “I told him Nell was quicker to say. He just rolled his eyes at me.”

He returned her smile and took his turn. “Either way, I don’t think it would be right for me to address you so informally.”

"Oh, I wish you would."

His attention had drifted to the game, but it shot back to her at the statement. Seeing his reaction she waved a hand as if brushing the words away. “Would it help if we spent more time together? I think I would like more practice learning this game.”

"I would like that." He hadn’t actually meant to agree, but the words were out before he could change his mind.

"So would I."

He stared at her a moment before letting out a soft laugh. “You said that already.”

There was a strange moment, their eyes locked over the game board, and the air tight with… something, before he gave a shake of his head and looked back down. “We should finish. I-I think it’s my turn.”

"So, does that mean you will call me by my name?"

He couldn’t help the tilted grin he shot her, amused at how expectant she looked. “Maybe.”

From her nod, it seemed to be enough.


	2. I May Have Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I listened to the Greg Ellis Cullen phone thing, and one had him saying he had fallen, and oh dear goodness I couldn't help myself. This is really goofy and I amused myself too much. Don’t hate me... I'll show myself out...

She walked into the empty office and stopped short.

The commander should have been there, if the officer she had just spoken to was telling the truth, but he was nowhere in sight.

Thinking he might be in the loft overhead, she took a few steps back to get a better view and pitched her voice up.  ”Cullen?”

She heard a noise, some muffled scrap from near the desk that had her tilted her head to peer around it.

What was going on?

She jerked back in surprise as the Commander’s head popped into view.

"Inquisitor!"  His voice was high pitched and slightly breathless, and he was suddenly standing, his hands fumbling at a bundle of papers that appeared to come with him from the floor.  "W-was there… that is… yes?"

She watched him drop the scrolls onto his desk then chase after them when they rolled haphazardly away.  ”Are you alright?”

"Of course!  Why, um, why wouldn’t I be?"  He wasn’t looking at her, his eyes hard on the desk, but she could see the pink tinge his skin had taken and the sheen of sweat on his forehead.

 ”Are you sick?”

He focused on her then, his eyes wide and confused.  ”What?  No.  No, of course not, why would you think that?”

Instead of answering she stepped closer, finally noticing the knocked over chair and scatter of books and papers.  ”What in the world…”  She looked back up at him as she trailed off, and saw that his face had gone from pink to a bright, brilliant red and his hands were clinching a scroll so tightly that it was crumpled between his palms.

"I-I… that is… I might have… uh… I may have fallen down."  The last was said in a rush and with his gaze firmly fixed on the wall behind her.

"You fell?"

"Not fell…" He dropped the crumpled missive and reached up a hand to rub at his neck, his face still blazing.  "T-That wasn’t the right word… tripped.  I tripped."

She glanced around again then back to him as she pieced together what must have happened.  When the mental image came to her a laugh burst out before she could stop it.  When he only groaned and closed his eyes at the noise, more spilled out.

He groaned again and covered his face with his hands, his words muffled behind them when he spoke.  ”It’s not funny.”

She wanted to agree with him, really she did, but all she could see was the very large and very exaggerated fall that would have had to take place to cause the riot of a mess that was behind his desk.

So she laughed harder, her hand coming up to cover her mouth in some vain attempt to repress it.

It didn’t help.

Before she knew it she was doubled over, tears leaking from her eyes, as Cullen stood looking on with the most bland expression she had ever seen on his face.

At least he wasn’t blushing or stammering any more.

When she had finally quieted and managed to stand with at least a semblance of seriousness, he spoke again.  ”Better?”

"Yes."

"It wasn’t that funny."

She highly doubted that, but she simply nodded in agreement.

"Was there a reason you were looking for me?"

She opened her mouth to reply then shut it again when her mind drew a blank.  ”You know… I don’t remember.”

He sighed and moved to straighten his chair.  ”Of course not.”

"Want help picking things up?"

He looked over to her and the far too friendly grin she was wearing.  ”Are you going to laugh again?”

She thought about lying, but it had never really been her style.  ”Probably.”

He rolled his eyes and moved to the papers.  ”Of course.”

Repressing an already forming giggle, she moved to help him.


	3. Her Name

She woke with start, her hands shooting out to grip at air as she remembered, belatedly, that she was on a table, and there was nothing at her sides to grab.  
  
She blinked a few times as she steadied herself then looked up to two sets of eyes, one of which seemed very uncertain, and the other which seemed far too amused.  She cleared her throat as she returned the looks and folded her hands into her lap.  
  
It came back to her that she was in Cullen's office, and that he had been working on paperwork, and she had just planned to close her eyes for a minute because it had been warm and quiet and... Dammit, how long had she been asleep?  
  
While Cullen continued to send her an amused stare the soldier who's entrance had woken her stumbled into a stuttered bow and twisted her fingers together.  "Your Worship, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."  
  
Nell waved her off, a smile forming.  "It's my own fault.  You'd think I would have learned to stop sleeping on tables by now."  When the woman simply kept staring at her she waved her hands again.  "Please, don't stop on my account."  
  
She settled back against the wall as Cullen and the soldier turned their attention back to each other and something that had to do with a contingent of soldiers who had reported in.  
  
After the first mention of replacements she stopped paying attention.  
  
Instead she focused on the Commander's hands.  She had always liked them, though that might have been because she had only ever seen them gloved as they were at the moment.  She watched the leather stretch as he pointed a finger to something on a paper and wondered about the skin underneath.  
  
She imagined it would be calloused from his sword work and the nails would be short and clean, because he wasn't the type to not have perfectly groomed hands.  
  
She wondered if there would be any scars, or if they would be extra pale because he always had them covered.  
  
She wondered what they would feel like against her.  Would they be gentle, would they be rough, would they feel like she had spent far to long imagining they would?  
  
A laugh drew her attention from her thoughts, and she focused back on the pair by the desk, her interest peaking slightly as she watched the soldier lean closer to Cullen, her eyes not on the report but rather on his down turned face, well his mouth specifically.  
  
She bit back a smile at the display, amused by the way the woman's face had turned pink when Cullen offered a smile to something she said.  She could relate.  
  
She did her best to ignore the other feeling that had risen alongside the humor, the one that wanted her to press herself in between them and snarl at the soldier like she was Josephine and the Commander was the last piece of chocolate.  
  
Not her place.  Not her place.  The mantra did little to help.  
  
When the meeting ended a few minutes later she waited until the door closed lightly behind the woman, leaving them alone once again, before speaking.  
  
"That was adorable."  
  
"Hmm?"  Cullen glanced up from his desk, focusing on her as if he had just remembered she was there.  "What?"  
  
"Are you really so oblivious?  That woman was enthralled by you," she stated, her smile widening.  "If all your soldiers are like that it's no wonder that they are so loyal to you."  
  
He stared at her, brows lowered in confusion, before shaking his head and picking up another report, focusing on it.  "Don't be ridiculous."  
  
"Cullen, she giggled at you.  You were talking about guard rotations changing and she giggled.  Soldier orders aren't that funny."  
  
She continued to smile as she watched his brows furrow again as he looked at the recently closed door.  "I can be funny."  
  
"Were you trying to be funny?"  
  
"No."  He turned back to the reports, his features clearing before his lips tilting into the barest hint of a smile.  "Huh."  
  
Her eyes narrowed at the word, the chocolate protecting part of her surging forward again before she shoved it back down.  She was not jealous of a blushing foot soldier who giggled at not funny things.  
  
She wasn't.  
  
"Well, I'm glad I could boost your confidence.  She probably isn't too far away, you could still catch her if you wanted."  
  
He shook his head and switched out reports.  "A commander fraternizing with one of his soldiers wouldn't be appropriate."  
  
She wasn't sure why that response annoyed her so much, but it did.  
  
"Yes, we wouldn't want to be inappropriate.... It's a silly rule you know.  Not being with someone just because it might be frowned on."  
  
He still didn't look up, his attention mostly on the papers in his hand.  "It's too easy for people to get the wrong idea."  
  
"The wrong idea?"  
  
"Special treatment, that sort of thing.  It's best to just avoid it."  
  
"But you could be missing out on something important."  
  
He gave a short laugh and switched reports again.  "I doubt it."  
  
He was only managing to annoy her more so she slid down from the table and started to head to the door.  
  
"Are you leaving?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
There was a pause as her hand reached up for the handle, then his voice floated over to her, confused.  "Why are you angry?"  
  
"I'm not.  I'm annoyed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
She curled her fingers into her palm and turned back to look at him.  He had put down the papers and was staring at her.  "I don't know."  
  
He raised a brow and she frowned at him.  "If you care about someone it shouldn't matter what their position is."  
  
He only seemed more confused by the statement.  "Who said anything about-"  
  
"For all you know your... your soul mate or something could be one of the soldiers under your command, and you're going to completely miss them because of some stupid rule."  
  
"I don't think that's the case."  
  
"Well you wouldn't know would you.  You aren't giving them the chance."  
  
His eyes had narrowed to match hers, and he had shifted to face her more fully, his arms coming up to cross over his chest.  "So, what?  You want me to go roll around with a few of them and see if anything special tingles?"  
  
"That's not what I said."  
  
"What exactly are you wanting?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Then why am I being yelled at?"  
  
"I don't know," she repeated heatedly before catching herself, she hadn't even realized she had raised her voice.  She was angry, and she wanted to make him angry and admit, what?  That the only reason he wasn't rolling around with her was because of rules?  
  
She was pathetic.  
  
Scrubbing her hands over her face, she took a deep breath before speaking again.  "I'm sorry, I don't... I need to go."  
  
"Wait."  
  
She heard him call after her, but she ignored it, instead dropping a hand to feel blindly for the door handle.  
  
"Nell, wait."  
  
The use of her name caused her to freeze, her fingers half wrapped around the iron of the handle.  She heard him come around his desk, his voice drawing closer.  
  
"Don't leave like this.  I don't even know what we were arguing about.  I'm not interested in any of my soldiers so I don't see the point in worrying about a rule that keeps me from being in a relationship with one of them.  If anything I can use it to keep them from- What are you smiling at?"  His voice turned questioning when he realized she had turned back to him, her lips stretching into a wide smile.  
  
"You said my name."  
  
He opened his mouth then shut it again, his arms recrossing.  "Did I?"  
  
"That's the first time you've ever said it."  
  
"That's um... I didn't, uh, mean..."  He  cleared his throat and reached a hand up to rub at the back of his neck, a flush working over his cheeks.  
  
She didn't even notice, she was still too caught up with having heard her name come from him after months of wishing it would.  "Will you say it again?"  
  
"I d-don't think that... that wouldn't-"  
  
"Please."  
  
He paused, his gaze fixed on the door behind her for what seemed like forever before he looked back at her face, a smile of his own forming to match hers.  "Nell."  
  
She could feel her cheeks heat, and for once she didn't even mind.  "Thank you, Cullen.  I like the sound of you saying it."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."  
  
"It's alright... Nell, I-"  He paused and looked away, his face growing thoughtful.  "I don't have a lot of time.  The guards will be here any minute for a meeting... I should... I should get back to work."  
  
Disappointment washed over her, but she forced herself to not let it show.  Of course this wasn't the right time to talk about things, of course.  "I shouldn't keep you then.  I'll let you get back to work, Commander."  
  
He offered a faint bow then reached past her to pull open the door, the lemon and polish smell of him washing around her before he stepped away again.  "Thank you, Inquisitor."  
  
She stepped out into the fading light of evening, and blinked a few times.  It had been mid day when she went into Cullen's office.  How long had she been asleep?  
  
Shit, she was supposed to have met with Josephine and Leliana before dinner.  They were going to kill her.  She paused in her decent to Solas' office and glanced back at her commander's closed door, two words popping into her head.  
  
Worth it.


	4. A Step Back

“Inquisitor Levellan.”  Nell said it slowly, the words rolling off her tongue as if they didn’t quite belong there.  Cullen watched as she pursed her lips a moment before continuing.  “Does it sound as strange to you as it does to me?”

He glanced down at the scrolls on his makeshift desk before replying, a smile tugging at his lips because of how sullen she sounded.  He understood that sentiment, he couldn’t even imagine the amount of pressure this was putting on her.  “Not at all.  We needed a leader, and you’ve more than proved yourself.”

“Just what I always wanted, proving myself to a shemlen religion and taking over their crusades,” she muttered and Cullen looked back up in time to watch her shove a hand through her hair, her eyes staring hard at the sky.  “Ah well,” she continued, her arm dropping again, “I suppose it’s no worse than being called Herald.”

“There is that.”

She dropped her gaze down to him, a smile lighting her face.  “Thank you, by the way.”

The words had him raising a brow and straightening so that he could turn towards her.  “For?”

“Supporting me.  It would have been very easy for all of you to fall into the same idea that others have had about how the knife-eared witch is trying to,” she paused and lifted her arms in a shrug, “to do something dastardly I’m sure.”

He laughed, he couldn’t help it, and when she joined him it took all of his control not to step closer to her.  He suddenly, desperately, wanted to kiss her, to capture the sound of her amusement with his lips and drink it in.  It was something he had been having to control all too often lately.  Instead, he tucked his hands over the hilt of his sword and kept his gaze friendly.  “You have yet to strike me as the dastardly type.  You have my support as long as it is needed.”

There was a pause before Nell rocked towards him, her hands clasping behind her back.  “I also wanted to say that I know Haven was a close call but- but I’m glad you made it out.  I mean, I’m glad everyone did, but most especially you.”

The Maker was testing him, that’s what had to be happening.  He had decided, hadn’t he, the moment they named her as the Inquisitor that he would step back from, well, whatever it was that they had been headed towards?  It had been one thing before, even though she was the Herald she was still just an agent, they had been on similar ground, but now… Now she was the leader of all of them, and he couldn’t imagine letting himself be selfish enough to continue with such distractions.  He was also not fool enough to believe that they would even have time for such things anyway.

Better to break clean now.

“I’m glad you made it out as well.”  It was all he allowed himself before turning back to the desk, his eyes locking on the ink pot that sat there.

Cullen waited for her to move off, but instead she took another step closer.  “If you have time later, I was thinking of exploring some of this place.  I mean, it’s huge, just imagine what might be hidden.  Want to join me?”

He did, very much, but nothing good could come from being alone with her, especially somewhere that was private and hidden, so he shook his head and looked up to offer an apologetic smile.  “Thank you, but no, there is much to do still when it comes to setting up guards and patrols.”

He watched her smile falter, confusion taking its place.  He had never turned down such an offer before, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to change his mind.

But she didn’t, instead she stared at him for a bit too long, her gaze assessing, before giving a shrug and stepping away.  “Alright, I’ll see you around then.  Have a good day, Commander.”

As he watched her walk away he was very sure he wouldn’t.


	5. You Can Do This

She nearly jumped when the box hit the door next to her, but the words that followed it stopped her.

“Maker’s breath, I didn’t know you were there.”

She looked over to see Cullen leaned over his desk, his hands still curled in a half grasp of the air in front of him. She watched as he lifted one of the still grasping hands to his face and pulled down over his eyes and mouth.

“Well, as long as you weren’t aiming for me I promise not to take offense.”

He gave a shake of his head and started around the desk. “I swear, I did-“ His words stumbled to a stop as his feet fumbled and he had to grasp the desk at the last moment to keep from falling.

She started forward, her mind glancing over the thought that she wasn’t sure if she could support him, but he held up a hand to stop her.

She stopped short of him, her hands still reaching out, fingers itching to touch him. She settled with words instead. “Are you alright?”

He was staring at the ground, his hand fisted against the wood of his desk even as he tried to push himself upward again. “Yes, of course….” He trailed off as he steadied himself into a more upright position. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted, still not meeting her gaze.

She watched as he straightened, his position unsteady a moment before he turned from her, blindly seeking out the window behind his desk. When he spoke again the words were strained. “You asked what happened in the Fereldan Circle.”

“If you don’t want-“

He cut her off with another wave of his hand, his eyes fixed on the slit of sky, his shoulder leaning heavily on the stone wall beside it. “The other Templars, my… my friends, were killed.” He buried his face in his hands a moment, but she didn’t try to go towards him again.

It didn’t seem right.

“I was… I was tortured… They tried to break my mind… How can you be the same person after that?”

You couldn’t. Not that she knew, but she doubted that was what he wanted to hear. Besides, he was still talking.

“…Wanted to serve. I was sent to Kirkwall, and I trusted my Knight-Commander, but for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness.”

“Cullen.”

He waved her off again, his gaze moving back to her, though his expression proved that his thoughts were still far off. “Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”

She took a step forward, one hand coming up in some wasted symbol of understanding. “Of course. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“Don’t. Don’t.” He pushed off the wall and started towards her, hands scrubbing over his face again. “You of all people should be questioning what I’ve done. I have not been kind, I didn’t want to be.”

She tried to picture him being cruel and came up with a blank, it just didn’t seem possible even when he didn’t like someone; instead she moved to his desk and leaned against it. “You had reason to have doubts.”

“Doubts?” He let out a humorless laugh and turned his face towards her, his expression shuttered. “I did not think mages were people. I didn’t think they deserved freedoms. What does that say about me?”

When she didn’t respond he started pacing, his movement’s jerky and unsure. “I thought this would be better. I thought I could start over, that I could regain some sort of control over my life, could see the truth, but these thoughts… they won’t leave me.”

She watched as he moved to the door then back towards her and away again, his gaze fixed on the floor. “How many people depend on us? On our success? I swore myself to this cause. I won’t give less to it than I did the Chantry.”

He moved to the bookshelf near his desk and she flinched when he shot a fist out into it sending the books rioting around his arm and to the ground. “I should be taking it.” The words exploded out of him, frustration evident and quickly gone since his repeat of the phrase sounded small and broken. “I should be taking it.”

She stared at him a minute, watching as his fist continued to clinch and he stared hard at the books still in their places. Finally, she pushed off the desk and stepped toward him, cautious for any statement for her to stay away; when she received none she placed a hand on his arm. “Cullen, you don’t have to do this to yourself. This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition. You have given more to it already than anyone would have asked of you. Is taking Lyrium again what you want?”

His eyes moved to hers, his breath coming out in ragged puffs before he managed to calm them. When all finally seemed quieter, he gave a single shake of his head. “No.”

“So that’s the answer than.”

He stared at her a minute, his fist still pressed against the books. When he spoke he sounded almost defeated. “These thoughts aren’t going to stop haunting me. If I cannot endure this-“

She reached up a hand to cut him off, her fingers pressing into the soft skin of his lips even as she offered him a tilted smile. “Of course you can. I know you can.”

He pressed himself into her hand a moment before giving an unsure nod. When he made to pull away she dropped her hand and turned to make her way across the room, her hands already gathering the strewn pieces that had flown out of the box that he had thrown. She dumped everything into the broken box, its lid hanging bent from a single hinge, and scooped it into her arms.

When she would have turned to leave his voice stopped her. “What are you doing?”

She glanced back at him, her arms tucking the box closer. “Well, I planned on getting this fixed then putting it somewhere it wouldn’t be taunting you.”

He stared at her for long enough that she shifted uncomfortably under his regard, finally, he dropped his hand from the bookshelf and took a step towards her. “I don’t think…”

“You don’t think what?” She clutched the box tighter and frowned at him. “Why is it important that you leave it in here? You already make a decision every day to not take Lyrium. What are you trying to prove by keeping this within arm’s reach? Why put yourself through something that isn’t necessary? Why make it harder on yourself?”

He didn’t answer her, simply stared at the box in her hands before turning his face to the side, worry evident in his eyes.

She took pity on the lost look and reached up to scrub at her hair. “I’m not throwing it away. I’m just going to keep it safe. Don’t you trust me?”

His eyes moved back to her, gaze unsure before he reached out a shaking hand to her cheek. “Of course. Of course I do, but this- What you are asking is not easy.”

She forced herself to give a reassuring smile and leaned into his hand a moment before stepping backwards and away. “Are you alright? Should I stay?”

He shook his head, a self-deprecating smile pulling at his lips. “No. I’m alright. I think I need to be alone for a while anyway.”

She wanted to say more to that. To tell him that he was never alone, not ever as long as she was around, but she didn’t know how to not make it sound like she was making him let her stay so she gave a single nod in response.

“If you need anything…”

“I’m sure you will be more than happy to provide it.”

She felt her brows lower even as she flexed her fingers into the wood of the box.

“Alright then.”

He turned away from her, face closing off from even the small amount of emotion he had let her see, so she took the hint and turned and left.


	6. Are You Ignoring Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tumblr prompt from Siawrites
> 
> Nell asks Cullen about why he seems different.

“Are you ignoring me?”

Cullen barely heard the question, the annoyed bite of her voice almost lost behind the pounding of his pulse in his head.

“Because I feel like ever since we found this place you’ve been avoiding me. So the person I would usually seek out when I’ve had a long day isn’t there for me to talk to. And it’s been a very, very long day, Commander. So what do you propose I do?”

Taking extra time to try and put together what she was saying, Cullen gave a grunt of a response and continued to stare down at the papers strewn out on the desk in front of him.

There was so much to do, he had to look over the reports from field agents, and all the new recruits to train, and-

His thoughts stuttered to a stop as he felt a hand cover his. Jerking back, he looked up to see that the Inquisitor had moved to his side.

“And it seems like you’ve had a very, very long day too.”

He blinked at her, the pain in his head making his eyes squint as he looked from her face to where her hand was sliding away from his. Absently he noticed that his fingers had begun to shake, and he balled them into a loose fist.

“Does your head hurt?” She asked, the tone of her voice curious even as her gaze swept over him, assessing, and her hand came to hover near his hair. “Can I help?”

Cullen gave a shake of his head, forcing himself to look away from her and back to the paper at the top of the pile, the words on it smearing together until it became illegible.

“I appreciate it, but I have a lot of work to do, as I’m sure,” he started, but fell silent as he heard her give a disgusted snort.

“Your work is hardly going to be very good if you can’t even focus on what you’re reading.” 

He glanced back at her in time to watch her scowl, annoyance settling over her face.

“You push yourself to hard.”

“That’s not-“

“Shut up, Commander. There’s more interesting things to waste breath on than lying.”

Nell leaned past him to push the papers together into a messy stack and set them off to the side. She took a step back and started to move his chair, then paused and glanced back at him. “Can I please help?”

All he could do was nod.

He let her scoot his chair back and then watched as she climbed onto the edge of the desk, her feet moving to settle on the chair on either side of his hips.

Nell leaned forward and waved her hands at him until he mirrored the movement, his arms resting on his thighs so he could hold his head near her knees.

Cullen waited as Nell cupped his face in her palms and slid her fingers into his hair. Her thumbs began to make small circles near his eyebrows as he felt her hands begin to warm with the same magic she had used for his headaches before.

Dalish magic she had called it, and offered no other explanation. It was still surprising that he had been alright with that answer.

“You know, since we’ve both had a long day there are more entertaining ways we could relieve our stress.”

He jerked his head at her statement, but her hands kept a firm grip and continued their work, the warm pressure of them moving down to lay over the exposed skin of his neck below his hair. She laughed lightly as he relaxed again, the sound muffled by the press of her arms near his ears.

“Just a friendly suggestion, Commander, no need to get jumpy.”

“I was… just surprised, that’s all. You haven’t been that blunt in weeks.”

“That’s only because you have been keeping your distance. I can take a hint.” She sounded annoyed again as she said the last part, and he could imagine her brows lowering over her eyes, darkening the color of them, as she stared down at the back of his head.

She would be imagining turning up the heat of her hands until he yelped, he guessed, and would just as quickly discard the idea.

He shook his head under her hands, letting out a pleased breath as they worked their way around and under his armor, her fingers kneading efficiently at what skin she could reach, whatever magic she was using helping the muscles in his shoulders and back to relax.

He gave up trying to reply. He wasn’t proud of it, but the rhythmic pressure moving back up to his neck and then his scalp made him close his eyes and simply enjoy the massage. And, if he was being honest with himself, the nearness of her- the smell of smoke and heat that always seemed to cling to her skin, and the small puffs of breath he could just make out as they passed over his hair.

He had been good, hadn’t he? He had kept away from her, stepped back when all he had really wanted was to step forward. To take her up on every single laughing and serious offer of getting to know each other “better” that she had given him.

He couldn’t remember ever wanting anyone as much as he did her.

But he had been good, he had buried himself in his work, focused on what needed to be done, had encouraged her to do the same.

And yet… and yet it didn’t seem to be making anything better, or easier.

He was only succeeding in pushing himself too hard, too far, and what was it she had said? He was the person she wanted to talk to most, but couldn’t. Which meant, of course, that she couldn’t be happy with the way things were.

It was hard to remember why he kept up avoiding her when nothing good seemed to come of it.

The heat slid away from him, and he lifted his head to see her frowning, her fingers working in and out of fists as she turned to slide off the desk.

Cullen caught her knees, effectively stopping her. He watched as she rolled her eyes before offering him a tilted smile and folding her hands together.

“Better?”

“Yes, thank you. You’re wrong though.”

“Really? That hardly ever happens.” She said it with a laugh, and reached down to pat his hand before trying to move away again. He simply tightened his grip.

“You’re thinking I’m avoiding you because I don’t like having you around. That isn’t true.”

“No?”

“No. It just… seemed like the right thing to do.”

Nell rolled her eyes again and pulled at her legs till he dropped his hands. She stood and walked to the other side of the desk, letting the silence stretch out as she stared down at the candles and bottles that littered the surface between them. Finally, she tucked her hands behind her back and looked back up at him, her lips pursed together as if she were still thinking. “Ok, jokes and badly concealed flirting aside, I thought we were friends. Aren’t we?”

He opened his mouth to reply, and then shut it again before finally coming up with an answer. “I don’t think friends would be a good word for it.”

She stared at him a moment before nodding in agreement. “Probably not, but either way…” She rocked back on her heels and looked away again, tense lines creasing her face. Evidence to the fact that she was about to say something that she wasn’t comfortable with. “I miss you. I see you every day across the war table, or in here to give reports, or on the training field but it’s different now, you’re there but you’re not, and… I just miss you.” She sucked in a breath after she finished talking then blew it out slowly before shooting him a guarded look out of the corner of her eye.

If she was going to be honest with him, he could only offer the same in return, so he drew his own breath and lifted his hand to rub over his still warm neck.

“I miss you too.”

Nell scrunched her face and did a quick turn in place before speaking again. “So can we please stop pretending like having conversations might end us both in ruin? If it helps, I promise to stop telling you that I want to get you naked.”

A laugh burst from him, the first real one he had let out in weeks, and it succeeded in cutting through the tension in the room. “Can you really promise that?”

Nell smiled brightly at the question and gave a loose shrug. “No, but it sounded good.”

She glanced around and went to settle herself on top of a table set in the corner of the room across from him. “Since we have that settled, feel free to get back to work, Commander.”

“And what are you going to be doing?”

“Since we aren’t relieving tension in the more entertaining way? Taking a nap,” she stated matter of factly, and crossed her legs and arms before shutting her eyes and effectively ignoring anything else he might say.

So he didn’t bother, instead he stared at her another moment, his lips curving into a smile, then looked back to the work he needed to be doing.


End file.
